Thursday, March 18, 2010

honesty.

Please forgive me but I am having a stressed out, overwhelming, too much to think about, loosing my mind, need to see God's plan sort of day.  I've got to admit - this little surprise baby Gum Drop has really thrown me off.  I had finally gotten to the place where I was very excited and content with our beautiful family of 4 - a boy and a girl - just perfect!  Please don't get me wrong, I am head over heals in love with Gum Drop and excited, it's just taking a while for me to really let it sink in and for me to really believe that it's happening. [I hope no one thinks I'm a bad mom, just a human who is being honest about their feelings]

I lie awake at night and wonder what things are going to be like.. where will Gum Drop stay, where can we fit another crib, how will we afford another child, how will we handle all the medical bills since I just changed my insurance (and bills are already coming in), how will we pay bills while I am out of work since my leave won't be paid this time around, how will we have time for a 3rd child - our time is already stretched to the limits sometimes, how will we afford another crib, will I find a double stroller that is suitable for our needs.. see, I am loosing my mind!

When I look at my 2 kiddos I can't imagine not having them in my life so now that Gum Drop is growing in my belly (and sucking all of my energy!)  I cannot imagine not having him/her.. I jsut wish I could see us a year from now, I wish I could have the peace of mind now to know that it's going to work out later.  I know so many people would love this - would love to see how God's plan is going to work.

I have peace knowing I have an incredibly amazing husband who is an equally incredibly amazing father and we have great supportive family and friends around us.  I now know how some of my clients feel when they have found themselves unexpectedly pregnant and are completely terrified.. but there is a difference for me.. I have hope, I have something to hold on to.. and a lot of these young girls and women don't have that hope.  God has really opened my eyes and I am thankful for that, but still find myself completlely terrified.

1 comment:

Michelle said...

Kiley,

My sister was in the EXACT same position as you -- boy and a girl and then very surprisingly, another boy! She had the same concerns that you now have and was so stressed in the beginning. But once she saw her new baby boy, those concerns were in the distant past. It was certainly an adjustment in their lives but she wouldn't change it for the world. My youngest nephew is about to turn 16 so it's been quite some time since this period in their lives but everything has worked out better than my sister ever expected. You have every reason to be nervous but you will most certainly find a way to provide, both financially and emotionally, for all 3 and be so happy in the end!