one year without..

I’ve sat down countless times to write this post and it’s like I hit this wall and have no idea even where to begin.  Someone very dear to me told me yesterday, “it’ll come to you” – and I think it finally has..

This weekend is tough for me – and for my family.  It was one year ago today (January 7) that we received a call regarding my Grammie and her quickly fading health.  January 8th marks the last day I ever spent with my Grammie while she was alive and January 9th marks the day when my Grammie left this earth.  An entire year without her here... an entire year without hugs, without kisses, without pictures, without twirls of the hair, without winks, without holding hands, without laughs, without hearing her voice, without sharing time together.  This past year has been one of the hardest of my life.. I think of my Grammie every day and miss her more as each day passes.  I found myself wishing for just one more hug, one more kiss, one more wink.. one more anything from her.. but truthfully, I’m glad she’s in heaven.  I’m glad she’s healed, I’m glad her memory is back, I’m glad she’s with her family and my grandfather.  I’m happy for her and she deserves, finally, to be free of Alzheimer’s and to rejoice in heaven!  I know I will see her again and I know I will have a chance for those hugs, kisses, winks and laughs!

My Grammie was such a beautiful, sweet, thoughtful, kind, compassionate, amazing, polite, loving person.  She truly was the best Grammie anyone could ask for.. and I know I’ve said it before but I pray I can be as wonderful a Grammie to my grandchildren as she was to me.  I pray I am and can be as wonderful a mother to my children as she was to her daughters.  I’m going to embrace 2012 without my Grammie.. yes, I miss her.. I always will.. but I need to find that peace knowing that she’s where she belongs.  She’s in heaven but her spirit will continue to live in me. 

I won’t let you down Grammie!!!  I will let the light of your spirit shine in ALL that I do.  Thank you for all that you’ve taught me and for all you’ve given to me.  Thank you for the countless amazing memories. Thank you for your love.

There's a little flame inside us all
Some shine bright
Some shine small
The rains will come
And the waters rise
But don't you ever lose your light
In this life you will know
Love and pain
Joy and sorrow
So when it hurts
When times get hard
Don't forget who's child you are
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm Gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
May you live each day
With no regret
Make the most of every chance you get
And your eyes get wide
When you look at the stars
With the same sense of wonder as a child's heart
With the ones you love
Treasure the time
And for those who are gone
Keep the memories alive
Hold on to your dreams
Don't ever let go
There's a fire inside you
Burning with hope
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
There will be days when you wanna give up
When clouds settle in
But after the rain comes the sun
Don't you ever forget
Don't forget
Don't, don't forget
One day there will be no more pain
And we will finally see Jesus' face
So until then I'm gonna try
To brave the dark
And let my little light shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
Gonna let it shine
Oh, shine
Gonna let it shine
There's a little light inside us all

“Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us every day.  Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear.”